This… Is an Ex-… Dog?

The famous Parrot Sketch began as a garage mechanic sketch. Cleese and Chapman wrote it for Cleese’s ’68 television special, “How to Irritate People”, based on a conversation Cleese had had with Michael Palin. Customer Chapman is having trouble with his car, and salesman Palin pretends that this is how the car is supposed to function. A typical exchange;

“Why can’t I get (the car) into third (gear) then?”

“Give it time, give it time, precision gearbox, bound to stick a little in third. Sign of top quality.”

Cleese was a big fan of recycling his material for Monty Python, and when the series began the following year, Cleese and Chapman took another look at this sketch. Taking the greater liberties that the Flying Circus afforded them, they abandoned the predictable used car and went to their favorite subjects– animals. The garage would be a pet shop, and the customer would be attempting to return a recently purchased yet mortally defective (dead) animal.

But which animal? Chapman and Cleese debated the comedic merits of all of them, and it finally came down to two options; a parrot– or a dog.

The mind boggles.

Here, now, for the only time, is a brief look at what might have been if Cleese and Chapman had settled for the less silly, comedically suicidal option.

“The Dog Sketch”

Mr. Praline walks into the show, dragging behind him a dead Finnish Spitz dog on a leash. The dog gets caught in the door as it closes. Praline drags the dog to the counter, where the Shopkeeper tries to hide below the register.

Praline: Hello, I wish to make a complaint… Hello? Miss?

Shopkeeper: (rising from behind the counter) What do you mean, “miss”?

Praline: I’m sorry, I’m allergic to parrots. I wish to make a complaint.

Shopkeeper: Sorry, we’re closing for lunch.

Praline: Nevermind that my lad, I wish to complain about this dog what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the Finnish Spitz. What’s wrong with it?

Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it.

Shopkeeper: No, no, it’s resting.

Praline: Look, my lad, I know a dead dog when I see one and I’m looking at one right now.

Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it’s not dead. It’s resting.

Praline: Resting?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. Remarkable dog, the Finnish Spitz. Beautiful undercoat, innit?

Praline: The undercoat doesn’t enter into it… it’s stone dead.

Shopkeeper: No, no– it’s just resting.

Praline: All right, then. If it’s resting, I’ll wake it up. (bends over the dead dog) Hello, Fido! I’ve got a nice kibble bowl for you when you wake up!

Shopkeeper; (tugging the leash) There, it moved.

Praline: No, he didn’t. That was you tugging the leash.

Shopkeeper: I never!

Praline: Yes, you did. (pulling the leash so the dog is face to face with him) Hello, Doggie! (swings the dog against one set of shelves, lets it fall to the floor) Now, that’s what I call a dead dog.

Shopkeeper: No, it’s stunned.

Praline: Stunned?!

Shopkeeper: Yeah! You stunned him just as he was waking up.

Praline: Look, my lad, I’ve had just about enough of this. That dog is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that it’s total lack of movement was due to trauma after stalking a challenging grouse.

Shopkeeper: It’s probably pining for the boreal forest.

Praline: Pining for the boreal forest?! What kind of talk is that? Look why did it fall flat on its side the moment I got it home?

Shopkeeper: Laying on its side is how the Finnish Spitz marks it’s territory. Beautiful dog, lovely undercoat.

Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that dog when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason I could get it home in the first place was that casters had been drilled into his footpads.

Shopkeeper: Well, of course he had casters. All the best hunting breeds have casters. That’s why they’re so fast. Show them a grouse, and voom!

Praline: Look matey, this dog wouldn’t voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It’s bleeding demised.

Shopkeeper: It’s pining.

Praline: It’s not pining, it’s…

And it all plays out the same from there, with an adjustment to the “pushing up the daisies” line.

I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Cleese and Chapman went with a parrot. Unless the dog were some sort of hairless monstrosity, the sight of a cute fluffy dead dog being swung about on a leash would have dampened the sketch’s appeal, to say the least. Humans generally love dogs. Parrots, on the other hand, are filthy creatures that foul their cages, consort with pirates and betray our deepest secrets to visiting repairmen. Fuck those mynah-wannabes.

Still– hats off to Cleese and Chapman for even considering putting a dog into this sketch. It displays a commitment to comedic cruelty that is much missed today.