Python and Football
I’m not a football fan. I’m American.
I say this with full humility. I know that soccer — sorry, football — is truly the world’s sport, in a way that baseball dearly wanted to be. I know, also, that football has had a hell of a great year, from the connivings of corrupt kleptocrats to unpredictable underdogs overwhelming the odds.
But in America, we only watch soccer — sorry, football — when the men field a team good enough to compete in the World Cup final sixteen, which is oh, so rare. It would be tempting to say that we only want to root for Americans, but it’s worse than that. Our women dominate international soccer, and we don’t watch them, either. Or pay them. We’re too busy watching football — sorry, American football.
It’s frustrating now in particular, because football had such an appealing narrative this year! On the tails of billionaires trying to milk more money from the diehard European fans, and the outrage and cynicism that followed, football had one of the most inspiring finishes to the Euro-League season ever. I can’t appreciate football as a sports enthusiast, but as a student of story, it’s unbeatable.
I want to stand with football fans! I want to celebrate the glorious year you’ve had, the triumph! But how? I’m American. I didn’t watch a single game. I was barbecuing.
There is only one way — Monty Python. While I never enjoyed football, I loved Monty Python, and Monty Python loved football. The feets-on sport was a frequent subject of their comedy. So if you to want to laugh as you revel in the glow of this year’s accomplishment, here are a few quick bits you can find in Monty Python’s Flying Circus, which currently streams on Netflix.
World Forum — This sketch was a fan favorite, making it into most of the live shows, but in the TV show, it begins with football. In a Gilliam animation, a cop’s white helmet becomes the start of a Kubrickian 2001 spoof. When the final planet aligns, a foot comes in and kicks it. It bounces off the heads of soccer players, (one of them with a very elastic neck,) and lands in a globe holder. This sets the stage for World Forum.
The sketch itself is packed with football references. Though we start with what looks like a portentous political discussion about communism, with such panelists as Lenin and Che, it quickly becomes a quiz show, with most of the questions about English football. “Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year?” The super intellects can’t answer these questions, and the dumbfounded looks on their clever faces is a sight to see. You can find this sketch in Episode 25 (series 2).
Long John Silver — Near the end of Episode 23 (in season 2), a sketch about a pet halibut devolves into a rugby match, where political bodies face off on the rugby field the way God intended. When that match is decided, the sports announcers cut to edited highlights of a football match between a team of gynaecologists and a team of Long John Silver impersonators. For those unfamiliar, Long John Silver is a fictional pirate from “Treasure Island”, famous for the parrot on his shoulder, the “arrrrr” pirate accent, and the wooden prosthetic leg. (I hope you weren’t expecting me to explain gynaecologists.) The match goes as you would expect — not a lot of mobility from the Long John Silver impersonators. The edits are fast and hysterical, as the gynaecologists, in their scrubs, kick goal after goal on a helpless one-legged pirate, who can only “arrrrrrr” at his misfortune. Famously, Eric Idle knocks an almost perfect header past the goalie.
Philosopher’s Soccer — Ah, bliss! As part of their special German shows, the Pythons shot a football match, Germany vs. Greece. Here’s the twist; The Germans are philosophers such as Kant, Schopenhauer and Nietzsche. The Greeks include Plato, Sophocles and Socrates. Confucius is the referee. How do philosophers play football? Let’s just say it gets off to a slow start. Hang with it, though — it’s not over until the bearded man says “Eureka!”
There you have it — some football kicked your way in the midst of the righteous moment that your sport is having. I offer this to football fans in the spirit of brotherhood. I may not appreciate or comprehend your sport, but I admire the hell out of what I heard happened. I now return to my backwater and my barbecue.
